A woman who is pregnant ended up in a car crash which knocked her into a coma. She wakes up 9 months later realising she is no longer pregnant, so she asks the doctor what happened!
The doc replies: "We had to perform a sezarian for your children's births."
She thinks, "TWINS"!
She then asks, "Well, who named them then?"
The doc answers, "Your brother."
She thinks, "Crap, my brother is an idiot."
So she asks him what their names were......
So the doctor replies, "Well, you gave birth to a little girl & a little boy, And your daughter was named 'Denise' by your brother!"
She thinks, "Wow, for an idiot of a brother, not a bad name! What's my son's name then?" The doctor pauses for a sec, and takes a large breath, "Denephew"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Post yours here
Edited by Timmy: As it's now pinned I changed the name, hope you don't mind.
Edited by Angelx: All non joke replies will be deleted , also please keep it Pg13 , no 18+ jokes please.
Last edited by Angelx on 02-27-2008 at 11:22:20 PM.
This is one of my favorites jokes, i just hope a blonde doesn't happen to see it. --------------------------------------------------------------- Problem:
Ten blondes and a brunette were hanging onto a rope that was tied to an airplane. They knew that one of them needed to let go because the weight of all eleven of them would tear the rope and they would all die.
So, they argued back and forth about who was to let go. This went on for a few minutes, until the brunette finally said, "Ok, I'll let go!"
The brunette gave a little speech about why she would go and said her farewells. All of the blondes were so touched, they started clapping. Problem solved.
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
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Blondes don't get mad I'm Blonde "not natural" but stil I'm blonde
Game of Intelligence
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Blondes don't get mad I'm Blonde "not natural" but stil I'm blonde
Game of Intelligence
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he c ...
HAHA, that's a good one!
Brunette Meets Genie
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
Last edited by Timmy on 02-27-2008 at 01:45:31 PM.
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A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.
The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse me m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration?"
The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
Edit: Sorry to any Blonde cops out there but i HAVE to post this one.
A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.
The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."
The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."
Last edited by Arwin on 02-27-2008 at 02:05:21 PM.
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"
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George W. Bush's Intelligence Quiz While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"
The mix up A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year."
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
Payback A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas, and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the very end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me sexual favors on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the fifth line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabby replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "Okay" and off they went. As they slowly drove past the long line of cabs, the business man gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Last edited by Timmy on 02-27-2008 at 09:32:44 PM.
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A women sees a sign at the entrance of a hotel which reads: "This hotel was built for women only. Each floor has 20 rooms, and there's a guy in every room."
The woman enters, goes to 1st floor and reads the note at the entrance: "The men on this floor are very handsome, not very good with women, poor and not very smart". Kinda disapointed, she goes to the next floor: "The men on this floor are very handsome, great at making a woman feel awesome, but poor and not very smart." Up one floor: "The men here are very good-looking, great with women, rich, not very smart". Better and better, she thinks as she goes yet another floor up: "Men here look awesome, they are unbelivable with women, very rich and very smart." Amazing!, she thinks, noticing there's still one floor left in the building. Wondering what else more than that she can find, she goes to last floor and reads the note at the entrance: "There's no man on this floor. This floor was built for the sole purpose of demonstrating (once again) that women can NEVER be satisfied with what they can get."
Last edited by Kalya on 02-29-2008 at 09:49:56 AM.
A women sees a sign at the entrance of a hotel which reads: "This hotel was built for women only. Each floor has 20 rooms, and there's a guy in every room."
The woman enters, goes to 1st floor and reads the note at the entrance: "The men on this floor are very handsome, not very good with women, poor and not very smart". Kinda disapointed, she goes to the next floor: "The men on this floor are very handsome, great at making a woman feel awesome, but poor and not very smart." Up one floor: "The men here are very good-looking, great with women, rich, not very smart". Better and better, she thinks as she goes yet another floor up: "Men here look awesome, they are unbelivable with women, very rich and very smart." Amazing!, she thinks, noticing there's still one floor left in the building. Wondering what else more than that she can find, she goes to last floor and reads the note at the entrance: "There's no man on this floor. This floor was built for the sole purpose of demonstrating (once again) that women can NEVER be satisfied with what they can get."
You might be a redneck if the Bluebook value of your truck changes with the amount of gas you have in it!
Oh No! you had to go poke fun at my cousins ford pickup didn't you! xD
(i was originally born in a backwater town in Tennessee xP)
Redneck jokes huh?
you might be a Redneck if:
Your dog and your wallet or both on the same chain. you might be a Redneck if:
you crack open a can of beer at your brothers wedding.
you might be a Redneck if:
when you have to hull a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sisters honor.
you might be a Redneck if:
when your lawn furniture is the same as your living room furniture.
you might be a Redneck if:
when you try to demonstrate the mathematical equation of putting a warm on a fishing hook just to impress the Newyork gal that just happens to be passing through town. you might be a Redneck if:
your grandma beats you in arm wrestling.
Last edited by Neoyoshi on 02-29-2008 at 02:25:51 PM.
1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order. 2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for. 3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands. 4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight. 5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels. 6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in. 7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on. 8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup. 9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box. 10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on. 11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?" 12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?" 13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you. 14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away. 15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom. 16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it. 17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene. 18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it. 19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare. 20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
» 
Just gotta use my getting high power one more time... 
